blackrose007's Journal

ok this title thing is getting annoying
Nov 21 2008 09:19

So looking into matters a little more closely I realize stress leave will make it hard to get a mortgage down the line.  Its a long story and the logic fails it but it is a good thing I research stuff prior to doing them.  Yesterday was a pretty low point, I was even considering learning about pipe bombs and watching my work burn.  But the whole jail thing kind of stopped that, if not I would have had no issues watching them all burn alive.....,.

Well, anyway, I discussed a little of this with the mrs, the toned down version of coarse.  Looks like my new plan is first to get a part-time job then find a full time job, we agreed that me working 60 hrs/wk without stress is much preferrable to the 40hrs/wk of soul sucking bending over disrespect I currently enjoy.  Both jobs will be less money but the extra hours should counter the financial issues that would arrise.

The mrs does not like the idea of me cutting out foods altogether, she wants me to to portions, honestly I wish I could.  One cannot be successful in life without first understanding who you are first.  I think, logically, that portion control is the best action, but when put into practical use it only works for those things that are hard to do.  Easy comfort foods, start off proportioned well when I begin but always turn excess quickly then mentally I just don't care. 

 The problem being, that I am not really happy, and in doing so I sink into easy quick perks that keep me going for another minute, maybe an hour or 2-but create just as much harm as they do enjoyment.  I agree I have a good love base, but if love was all that is needed for a happy existence, the world would be a much better place.  Fulfillment, is really the hard one, the feeling of belonging and being respected for your significant meaningful existence.  All my work is to come, and no one will ever know besides myself, meaning no one will respect what I do for they will never see it happen.  Its hard to live without being respected.  Not that I don't know there are some that do respect me, but there is a difference of parts to be respected and the general consensus--since if 1 person respects you and 10 do not--well those are hard odds to overcome--hard to cling onto that one with those 10 surpressing your enjoyment of life.

But, again, I have not really given the mrs the choice in this, since it is not her life I am dealing with.  Stopping eating certain junk foods is not a bad thing and should not really affect her, since I will continue to make the foods I make and buy those things I cannot eat.  Hell, I have always bought hard liquer, even though I have not drunk a drop of it for over 5 years now.  My paralyzers are still a favourite at parties even though I have not tasted their brilliance for so many years.  When something becomes a vow to me, well there are no more questions, one cannot break a vow or the whole spiritual identity they have enjoyed would perish.

I had a dream many years ago, even before my daughter was conceived, that my daughter was to be burned at the stake.  Standing there I was offered the chance to save her life and all I had to do was cross the grey, go against my spiritual principles.  I remember the single tear that rolled down my face as the fires hit her flesh and her screams for me to help changed to just screams of excruciating pain.  No, once a vow has been made, it cannot be crossed, at least not by me.  That is the difference between my physical will power and my spiritual will.  I have my reasons when it comes to my spiritual decisions that include the material, and once accepted and combined they are more solid then the foundation of existence.

The wife and I were watching Greys Anatomy last night and at one point 2 girls mentioned how they were tired (not just physical).  I sighed and said, "I'm tired" and beside me the mrs said, "I'm tired too."  We looked at eachother and snuggled.